Morning Rituals with Cat
Before we dive into our morning rituals, you should know something. Junipurr’s nickname is Vicious Alarm Clock.
There are two types of mornings. Those in which the parents wake before Junipurr’s stomach … and those in which they don’t. For the sake of brevity, we will call them by their Junipurr-given names: Good Mornings and Mornings of Doom & Disappointment.
Good Mornings
Given how kindly Junipurr responds to Good Mornings - blessings upon blessings, leg rubs and purrs! - parents with any wisdom would surely hasten to wake before Junipurr’s stomach does. However, laziness aside, this is not so easy to do. Her tummy’s waking hour is a moving target. Some days it’s a reasonable 7:30am. The next day it may be 6:45. The day after, 3:27:09 and not a second after! In the fortuitous event that a Good Morning manifests, here is how it unfolds:
Mama or Fav Parent stirs.
Junipurr, ever vigilant to meal time, stretches a leisurely paw forward, then yawns as wide as the Grand Canyon. Importantly, the tummy has not yet awakened.
Sensing the golden opportunity, the woke parent shoots like a missile out of bed.
At the bedroom door, a high stake decision is to be made. Left to the kitchen, right to the restroom. A split second glance at Junipurr’s sprawling position will indicate if there’s enough time to use the restroom. Happily, chances are good that a leisurely stretch allows a bio break. But make haste!
God didn’t give cats one of the broadest hearing ranges among mammals for nothing. As soon as the toilet is flushed, a meow with the commanding tone of a royal summon trumpet booms from outside the bathroom door.
The parent jogs towards the kitchen with the exaggerated pantomime of a pedestrian crossing the sidewalk (i.e. lots of arm motions, legs basically going at normal speed).
Pop! The can opens. With a few efficient scrapes of the spoon and a splash of water for extra hydration, breakfast is served. Then, the hymn of slurping.
Gratified by a job well done, the parent happily and sleepily stumbles towards the coffee grinder. Thus begins a Good Morning.
Mornings of Doom & Disappointment
Though they arrive at the same outcome, Mornings of Doom & Disappointment have an altogether different energy. On these dreadful #parentingfail mornings, Juni and her tummy wake to find the parents conked out and drooling with abandon. Her profound disapproval rivals that of Captain Li Shang looking over Mulan and her fellow new recruits (remember?). Here’s how it goes down:
In the early moments of such mornings, enlightened despot Juni gazes about her philosophically and hops off the bed for a quick stroll around the Queendom.
When the Boss FurBaby returns to find the parents still senseless snoring, Vicious Alarm Clock mode turns on. Leaning back into her rabbit-like hind legs, and with a battle cry that sounds like a squeegee toy, she sails the three feet up from floor to mattress. Pirate-esque. A pause here to address a common misconception: We have been raised in a culture that presumes Big Foot to have mighty strength. But by the mysterious logic of physics, Small Paws can actually pack more force per surface area. You’ll understand, then, dear friend, why this landing feels like a mini earthquake.
Having made her entrance, Juni marches with purpose across her mom (she always attacks from the mother’s side. Plushier landing?) towards her destination: Fav Parent’s head.
At Fav Parent’s pillow, the riled autocrat Juni magically becomes a golden retriever. She sniffs her beloved parent’s hair, sticks out her tongue, then — begins an assault of licking. You are familiar with cat’s tongues, yes? This is akin to being massaged with a thousand micro swords. (Lest you think Fav Parent is the only victim here, know that as she works to get different angles, Small Paws are treading all over her mama’s hair and face.)
Truly, who can withstand such an attack? One parent or the other plops out of bed and slouches towards Bethlehem, aka the kitchen …
A minute later: Hymn of Slurping.
There you have it, friend! Mornings at our house. What are your family’s morning rituals?
P.s. You may also like Life with a Three Year Old Cat and Life with Junipurr
